Love Guru, 88 Minutes, Speed Racer, Made of Honor

Lots of theatre movies streeting this week:

LOVE GURU $30M
SPEED RACER $43M
MADE OF HONOR $46M
88 MINTUES $17M
YOUNG @ HEART $3M

88 MINUTES-R for disturbing violent content, brief nudity and language-Starring Al Pacino, Alicia Witt, Leelee Sobieski, Amy Brenneman, William Forsythe, and Debra Unger /CRIME/SUSPENSE/THRILLER
Set in Seattle, this is about a forensic psychiatrist/professor (Pacino) who is notorious for testifying on the stand to successfully lock up serial rapists, murderers, and the like—some even put on death row, and some even put away on nothing but his testimony--perhaps slightly embellished testimony. He gets a mysterious phone call announcing that he has 88 minutes to live. It appears this caller knows things that only someone close to him can know. Being a forensic shrinky person, he should be able to deduce who this might be, if it’s really someone he knows, right? That's what I thought. Things are further complicated when he finds that he is under investigation for the murder of one of his best friends—a clear frame job—but making it harder for him to uncover the identity of the caller.
The previews looked decent, and I was fairly geeked to see the movie, which I saw in the theatre. The language was a bit much. It wasn’t quite as good as I was hoping for, but I shouldn't have been disappointed, becaues here’s the problem with most psychological thrillers: you can only make it so clever, or you lose half the audience. That’s just how it is. To dumb it down completely would just be plain insulting; but to be fair, they really do have to dumb it down to some extent, or a fair share of the viewers would stare opened mouthed through 90 percent of the film. And some of you know that’s true and are just too nice to say so. Have you read Harrison Bergeron? You know, where they try to dumb everyone down to the lowest common denominator so everyone is on the same level, which, in reality, is pretty low, and so when the brainiac starts to think too much, his head starts to hurt and all of a sudden his head gets jumbled and he forgets what he was thinking about. Problem solved—no more brainiac. Well, that’s how movies are made. You can’t write a script that caters to those at the collegiate level. Because not everyone went to college. And that market share (college goers) doesn’t bring in enough revenue. It’s just simple math. It’s like the Kincaid/Flesh reading ease method-the thing that judges the level of writing. Newspapers use it. Magazines use it. As an editor, I urge my writers to use it. It basically tells you what grade level your writing is up to. Most shoot for the 8th grade level. Why? Because that’s what engages the most number people--what most people understand. Very few papers target the collegiate level. Sad, but true. And so is true for movies. Set it too high or too tricky, and BAM! There goes your audience. Set it so an 8th grader can understand, and you’ve got the widest possible audience, which translates into the most possible dollars. Unfortunately, every now and then people who have surpassed the 8th grade would like to watch a fairly clever film. Just once in a while would be nice. Now, I’m not being condescending, or if I am, I’m not trying to be. I’m just saying that it would be nice to get lost in a movie once in a while. To go, hmmm… did I miss something? Instead of gee…. I wonder what happens next, with enough sarcasm to sink an oil tanker. I’m not bitter. It just really would be nice to watch a movie not driven solely by the dollar for a change. That’s what makes indies so refreshing. Indies typically don’t target the mass audiences. Sometimes this is by mistake, sometimes it is purposeful. Either way, the end result is the same. They produce clever films because they know their audience will be narrow. They can choose a narrow ignorant audience (but why?) or a narrow clever one. Horray for indies!
All that ranting said, the movie was okay, if not predictable in many areas. Al Pacino is always decent. Leelee Whatever-Her-Name-Is is usually irritating. And so she is again here. She gets lost in presence of Pacino, however.

THE LOVE GURU-PG13 for crude and sexual content throughout, language, some comic violence, and drug references-Starring Mike Myers, Jessica Alba, Justin Timberlake, Romany Malco, Meagan Good, Omid Djalili, Verne Troyer, and Ben Kingsley (with Jessica Simpson) / COMEDY
First, the comic violence, according to every review I’ve read, can hardly be so, since the “comic” part of the “comic violence” was apparently absent. Second, I thought the “sexual content THROUGHOUT” was particularly telling. THROUGHOUT? Great! I was hoping it was just for a while, but I was glad to hear the WHOLE movie was filled with sexual content… you can never have enough of crude and sexual humor, can you? It just sounds so good to me already.
For those of you who have been with me for a while, you might recall the movies Mike and I rated for the theatre at the beginning of summer. The ones from 0-5, 0 being super sucky… Mama Mia and Kit Kittredge coming in at the 0 or 1 level, Iron Man and Dark Knight topping my list at 5. Remember? Well, this information that we passed along to the theatre came from the hour of previews they showed us, which included this lovely little movie, THE LOVE GURU. It, too, fell at the bottom of my list, I think at 1, if I recall correctly. The preview looked so bad that I couldn’t imagine seeing it under any circumstance. However, remember there were two lists; the theatre list that asked us how well we thought it would do at the theatre, and then I did one later based on how the movie was in reality (two so very different things—people see sucky movies all the time). I actually thought this movie would do better in the theatre than it warranted. And yes, I was correct, this horrible little film did $30M in the theatre. Why? Why, indeed. Mike Myers and Jessica Alba, I would guess. She’s a hottie, no? I’ve never bought a movie, good or bad, that hasn’t rented well with her on the cover. And for those in my generation, who can forget Wayne’s World? That was truly funny. SNL? Hysterical. Austin Powers? Marginally funny. Myers not only stars in this movie but he wrote it as well. And then for the younger crowd, there’s Justin Timberlake. Awwww… shucks… all the girls think he’s such a cutey. This movie has what we call star-power. The movie could be a comedy about bathtubs and people would go see it. Suckers.
So what makes this so bad, you ask? Well, that depends how old you are. If you’re a 12-year-old boy, perhaps you might think this is actually funny. How many penis jokes can you hear in a 90 minute timeframe and still be amused? Would it help if you mix in a reference or two about animal sex, or throw in a few HYSTERICALLY CLEVER names like Coach Chercov (get it??? HAHAHA) and Jaques “Le Coq” (EVEN MORE CLEVER)---wait here’s another---Guru Satchabigknoba (that’s my fav)? These are names you think up on the bus ride home in 7th grade to impress your buddies at school. And that’s about the age when you find them funny. Would you think the movie would be funnier, if when Guru Pitka, (Myers) was giving out his guru-ish advice (which sounds fortune cookie-ish) the first letter of each word in the advice, when put together, actually spelled naughty phrases if , kind of like an acronym? Ha ha ha ha ha……………….
In addition, the jokes regarding Verne Troyer (Coach Chercov, aka Mini-Me) are overdone and old. Enough already. I am the last person to be politically correct. (Some cliché about a pot and kettle comes to mind.) You know very well I am about as PC as Sarah Palin (who has managed to capture the attention of my husband, who now thinks he is in love with her due to her political stance, some t-shirt with her in a wonder woman outfit holding a gun, and her ability to field-dress a moose—how can I compete with that??) but really, there’s a point where these kind of denigrating jokes just aren’t funny anymore. It’s like the fat girl who constantly makes reference to herself being fat. Or the blind girl who makes blind jokes (saying “visually impaired” jokes just doesn’t have the same ring, does it?). The joke is funny the first time—even relaxes people. Time number 20 is over the top and is awkward. You might have a complex. It’s called dignity. Get some.
The Love Guru is just such a far cry from the intelligent comedic elements and banter found on SNL that it’s hard to imagine what Myers was thinking (or was he?). He’s actually a decent actor, and there really was no excuse for such a dumbed-down, child-like, absolutely ridiculous, and certainly self-serving/self-indulgent film. Myers clearly thought this was funny, and that is truly disappointing. Leaving him to do as he pleases, he is clearly not nearly as funny as when he is under constant and direct supervision. His idea of funny and the reality of funny are, apparently, worlds apart.

MADE OF HONOR-PG13 for sexual content and language-Starring Patrick Dempsey, Michelle Monaghan, Kevin McKidd, Kathleen Quinlan, and Sydney Pollack. COMEDY/ROMANCE
This is another one of those failure-to-be-funny-or-romantic romantic comedies. Or so it appears to me. But yes, most appear that way to me, to be fair. But tell me if this sounds in any way romantic or comedic to you? I’ll bullet it for you to highlight the non-romantic and non-funny parts.
· Tom has a best friend, Hannah
· Tom falls in love with Hannah
· Hannah falls in love with someone else
· Hannah decides to marry this Someone Else
· Hannah asks Tom to be her maid of honor (yes, maid of honor)
· Tom has to plan Hannah’s wedding, bridal shower, etc., while being in love with Hannah, and watching her marry some other dude

I’m failing to see the humor, or the romance, in seeing the love of your life get engaged to another and sitting back and watching it happen. What part is romantic?
Now, it could be that they just failed to properly explain the romantic part on the back cover, in which case, I apologize for my ill review. Perhaps it’s very romantic. And very funny. Maybe Tom changes his mind, falls in love with one of Hannah’s bridesmaids, and Hannah’s new dude ends up being super romantic and super funny? I don’t know—I’m just saying if the love of my life decided to marry another… and wanted me to participate in the marriage… well... I might be, you know, a little…. sad. I said it before and I’ll say it again (but I swear this is the last time) Hollywood takes the most unfunny things and tries to make them funny. Unsuccessfully.

SPEED RACER-PG for sequences of action, some violence, language, and brief smoking-Starring Emile Hirsch, Christina Ricci, John Goodman, Susan Sarandon, Matthew Fox, and Benno Formann/ FAMILY
Welcome back to the adventures of Speed Racer and Trixie as they try to save the family business. GO, SPEEDRACER, GO!!! There is no way you can’t watch this. I didn’t see it in the theatre, but I have to see it now, if it’s the last thing I do. It’s Speed Racer. Get the kids and watch it. Just do it.

TORTURED-R for violence including torture and language-Starring Cole Hauser, James Cromwell, and Laurence Fishburne/CRIME
FBI agents, organized crime, stolen money—yeah, it looks good. I like Hauser. An undercover FBI agent (Hauser) penetrates an underground crime ring and is instructed by a mob boss to track down stolen money. Looks a little brutal, and the language is probably rough.

YOUNG @ HEART-PG for some mild language and thematic elements-Starring The Young at Heart Chorus / MUSIC
I’m not really sure what this is. I guess this is a senior citizens choir called the Young @ Heart Choir. They are preparing for a rock show in their hometown, and they are learning new songs, which include songs from James Brown, and get this—Coldplay. Apparently they are kind of hard of hearing, and the rehearsals are a little chaotic. I guess it’s supposed to be quite funny. And I guess, You’re Never Too Old To Rock.